Concerts Make Me Question my Relationship Making Abilities

I am normally not one to think about my single status. Not that I don’t want to be in a relationship or that I am actively avoiding it but in general it just does not cross my mind. It’s just kind of like it’s there.  It’s a fact about me that I am sporting that single statue and it does not bother me for the most part. I typically get on with my day just fine without a partner. But one of the times that I am the most aware of my single status is when I want to go to a concert. A concert that no one else in my life wants to go to. And all of a sudden, I wish that I had someone in my life that I can force this experience upon. But that is because, the role that music plays in my life…. is different compared to most. Almost freakish.

It’s not just the sound. It’s the experience as a whole. The feeling of the music pulsing through your body and it’s almost like your very blood comes alive. The bass throwing itself into your nerves, jolting your bones with ever beat. The hairs on your arms stand up and you can almost feel your pupils dilating. The way I’m describing my general concert experience right now, it may sounds like what happens to you when you get into a very lively club, which it sometimes true to some extent. But a concert to me at least is a whole different ballpark. For the most part, I will only go to concerts where I am devoted to the artist. And not to oversell the value, but having completely devotion to an artist is a big deal for me. Deal breaker quality stuff. It typically means that I had a connect to the music. And as I am writing that sentence, I know just how it sounds pretty fake on paper, I know but for me it’s the most real that I personally can get. There is a place/moment that I get to when I literally lose myself in music. (que Lose Yourself by Eminem) It’s almost like an out of body experience. I feel real and alive and strangely protected. Like I’m in my own sphere of sound and all that matters is me in that moment, listening to that music in this specific time of my life. I move, I dance, and as I mentioned at the beginning of this part, I fully throw myself into experience. So long story short, concerts are some of my favorite experiences of all time.

My only problem is that a combination of my strange taste in more unpopular music and my standards of seating (I will pay more than most of my friends for pretty terrible seats because the sound is all that matters to me, not always necessarily seeing the performer in question. Although that is fun too I’ve heard.) I normally have a difficult time finding someone to go with me. I have gone to concerts alone before (read the post about my first and currently last trip in a police car for an example) but it’s not always as fun. I also realize that my description of myself at the concert and what I go through out the show overall would make it seem that I would actually prefer to go to the shows by myself. And it also seems that normal people would not necessarily want to stand too close by me during a concert, even friends that I know and people that care about me. While both are true to some extent, I cannot help my fear of going alone. It’s human nature right? Or is it because I’m a girl and I partially worry about my safety. Part of my mind is constantly aware of my surroundings and I’m not able to fully put myself into the show itself. But in reality, if I’m going to honest with myself, it’s not just the companionship but the actual presence. The need to share the experience. Music should be shared….. but also and mostly the fear of being judged when seen going to a show by one’s self. How duplicitous is that statement from someone who just explain the impact that music has on her. Why should I care so much about going alone? What does that say about me as a person? A literal “losing of myself, in the music”.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,



The Nook of Uncommon Books: “Sing You Home” by Jodi Picoult

If you are a lover of unique love stories and music, please treat yourself to Jodi Picoult’s audiobook “Sing You Home”. Firstly to start off, in this small blogger’s humble opinion, Mrs. Picoult is a fabulous writer. I should also take the time to mention that I also love love love love music like it’s my own abstract form of a child. So you can probably tell that I was a little more than excited to pick up a Jodi novel called “Sing You Home” in audiobook form. A story of love, change, family and acceptance, I knew from the summary itself that I was going to appreciate the story right from the beginning. What I was not prepared for was the magic that occurred even before the start of the first chapter. You see, Mrs. Picoult has an written original song for each chapter of this book in tribute with the main character of the story, Zoe, who is a musical therapist as she goes through life’s trials and tributes. Between Zoe’s infertility with eventual sexual awakening and her ex-husband’s religious wakening from his alcoholic stupor, there is a fight for the rights to an unborn child. The story tests humanity to its brink before finally settling revealing the true power of love and knowing what is right. This story in itself is incredible, and the songs are above and beyond. Or at least I think so because writing songs is not easy and I can relate to that very clearly from failed memory suppression attempts of my middle school days when I tried to form an all girl combination rock/country/rap band. (Sidenote: We were all in the concert band together and needless today nothing moved forward because 1) we didn’t actually put in the effort and 2) None of us actually played the necessary instruments…because we met in concert band). From what I have been told, the lyrics are written out in the physical book, however! In the audiobook, Jodi collaborated with her friend Ellen Wilber and brought these songs into reality. And, at least in my personal opinion, they are actually amazing songs. As in, if this was an album, I would buy the CD. The combination musician/bookworm inside appreciated the connection Picoult makes between the songs are the storyline. It’s a beautiful transition. It’s a beautiful book in general. I implore any and all to check it out.

Sometimes 1+1=3,


Wicked Fun

I recently experienced a rather embarrassing moment at work a few days ago. I was assigned a new task at my job where my superior was nice enough to take some time out of her busy day to help me out by giving me step by step instructions. So, I don’t know it I just wasn’t paying close enough attention or if maybe there was some missed communication somewhere in the middle of our conversation but either way, she had finished giving me instructions at one point and sent me on my way to finish up the job. a command which I seemed to have completely miss. This resulted in me following her around for a good 5 minutes just watching her do some other tasks that were not related to the job she had assigned to me. After a while she noticed that I was following her and she turned to me abruptly where we stared at each other for a good 30 seconds in silence. I finally broke the tension by saying “Oh…. was that all.” To which she responds, “Um, yeah.” And then she stare for a little bit longer before I finally made the executive decision to side step away. As I walked back to my work station turning redder by the second, I started to reflect on more awkward thing I have done in my life to make myself feel better at that very moment. And then from the depths of my subconscious, a horrible suppressed memory resurged to the front of my cortex. But now that I find this story funny, I shall share it with all of you.

To preface this story I need to give you some background information. At my university, there were three main types of libraries. The first kind were the ones were people mostly met up for group projects or study groups where people talked loudly  and there was at least one small coffee shop built at the entrance so noise was perfectly acceptable, The second kind were the ones where it was mostly quiet but you would get away with shouting whispers once and a while and it didn’t bother too many people if someone’s headphones were just a bit too loud. Then there was the third kind or, the silent libraries. This was for the hardcore studiers and the place where I once got death glares from 5 people at once when I accidently dropped my pencil on the carpet. It was scary, but it was also where I was the most productive (of course) so I tried to go to these libraries as often as I could.

So, you all already know that I’m awkward and quirky so I’ll just lay down another fun fact on everyone. I listen to musicals when I study. Something about the story telling to song make me energetic and focused. I have written 20 and 30 page papers while listening to “La Vie Boehme” from Rent on repeat (including the reprise or course), memorized half of the periodic table of elements while humming along with Vel McKelly in Chicago, and pulled many all nighters listening to the entire soundtrack of Les Mis from beginning to end. It just how I roll. This one particular day, I was enjoying the high notes of power and courage of Idina Mendel belting out the final notes of Defying Gravity from Wicked as I wrapped up an assignment and saw that I had a class starting soon. I carefully took off my headphones (so not to disturb anyone), graciously closed my laptop and start to put it back in my backpack. And this is when the greater forces of the world decided to pull a practical joke on me. As soon as I put my laptop in I hear the high pitch voice of Kristen Chenoweth sing out “Elphie, now that we are friends, I have decided to make you my new project.” I could feel all of the blood leave my face and I actually thought for a second that I was going to pass out. All heads turned to me and “Popular” rang out across the silent library. I jammed my headphones back into my computer and ran out of there as fast as I could before someone decided to kill me right then and there. Apparently, when I close my laptop, I didn’t complete log off of my iTunes which still going strong, playing the next song on shuffle. I didn’t even know that my laptop could still play music with the top closed (a cool feature that I do utilize now at least). I was mortified. Out of all libraries, out of all songs,. Why couldn’t it at least have been a hip, current pop song?  I thought this was actually the most uncool thing that could have happened to me. Looking back at it now, more than a year later I can laugh and roll my eyes at my past self but I will say, that ever since that faithful day I have listened to nothing but gangster rap music when I study just in case but, Lil Wanye will never make me focus as much as Julie Andrews did but I will just have to live with that I guess.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,