The Existential Crisis

Have you ever thought about your existence. Like, truly thought about your existence. Out of thousands of sperm, you came to be because you were the strongest and got to the egg first. What if one had edged you out by just a little bit. You wouldn’t be here now. You wouldn’t exist in the same way. Or what if one of your parents was late to the date, or got caught in traffic on the way back from work and the plans for the evening were stopped? What if your father had not decided to go the college in state and never met your mother? What if your mother had decided to not go on that second date? So many tiny things revolve around your very existence in this very moment. Really think about it. When I think about it, my head starts to spin in all the wrong ways. 

It starts with me looking at my hands. Moving them, considering how I know how to move them. How to make a fist or flick something off or even just making the tips twitch individually. Then I will pace a little bit to think really about how my legs are actually moving in such a way. the bend of the knee. I slow that part down . Literally, just going back and forth, thinking too much about the joint. Then it gets dangerous because this is about the point where I start to go into my own head. My eyes are the beginning. The fact that I can see what’s going on all around me. The fact that I can take it all in even is just incredible really. The dangerous part is when I go even further into my identity. My name is the first think the comes to me. I obviously know my name, no question about it. But who am I really? Am I my name, or is my name me? Does that even make sense or is that pure nonsense? Or is it both. What if my name was different, would I see differently through these eyeballs? Would they even be considered the same eyeballs? 

This is the point where I end up closing my eyes for a little bit and my thought take over like when you pour just a little too much soy sauce in a bowl of rice. It spreads just a little too quickly and changes the contents and their purpose. Not necessarily in a bad way but it hit every crack and crevasse on the way down and soaks through each pieces thoroughly. That’s how these existential crisis thoughts take over my head. My once white rice head is browning, becoming salty and pouring as liquid in the bottom. I question everything about my life. And I mean everything. If I had said “But…” instead of “Well…”, could that have made an alteration in the conversation that completely changed an important aspect of my life? Did the red socks I wore today instead of the blue put me in the exact place I am right now?  Those sorts of question. If I had said one word differently in a conversation that took place a year ago, would I be somewhere else completely? I know that this is walking along the edge of that “butterfly effect” theory but think about it. Actually don’t think about it. Then maybe you can save yourself an afternoon of staring blankly, questioning everything thing that has ever happened to you. It’s not quite as fun as it might sound.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

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Lost in my Own Mind

Disclaimer: This is much more like a stream of consciousness post that has very little editing and it makes barely any sense at all but my desire to post this took over my desire to edit it.

Has anybody ever completely loss themselves in their own mind and thoughts? I mean to the point of being delusional. When it’s on purpose, it seems to be okay but when it’s an accident, that is pretty terrifying when reality hits you, like the unexpected bowling ball flying through the air and smashing into your skull. There is a moment of wonder and how you got to this point and then a moment of complete self-loathing that you lived so deep into this imagination. is there even a point in which you can come back? Of course yes. But, my problem is that I normally don’t want to. Not everyone is going to understand this. I do feel like we are a very specific breed of people. The kinds of people who make up worlds in their heads and can configure them into such detail and specificity that it’s practically real to them at least. When reality sucks or is taking a little too much of a toll on the mind, some find this alternative world to be an escape. It’s like a fantasy but not at the same time. Unless you have experienced it, then it’s a difficult concept to grasp, unfortunately. This isn’t like, I am fantasizing of being the next winner of American Idol or some other singing show even though I cannot sing at all. This is more of, I am creating  whole in world for myself in which a person (more like a character) that is like me but isn’t entirely me had this entirely new life that involves  a rough childhood, singing on the street for money during the day and bartending at night and then being  seen by a producer and forced onto the show against their wishes but ends up blowing everyone away with their true soulful renditions, winning the show and then becoming one of the most iconic voices of their age. But this fake person not me and I do not want it to be me. I just want to be able to go to this fake made up in my head reality every once in a while to allow myself to pretend to have this experience that I will never have in my entire life but I am perfectly okay with not having in my actual life. I just want it in this fake life that is not mine but only exists in my head. Did that make any sense at all? Probably not.

It’s a creation, a field of possibilities where everything happens for a reason. A place that, dare I say it? Is just much more fun for me to be in then my regular life. I do actually feel guilty for going into my mind so often. I do not have a difficult life. I actually have a blessed life fill with love, laughter and experience. I have never gone hungry, always had what I needed in life and cannot say that anything horrible traumatic has happened to me to the point of a mental break. My life as I know it is pretty wonderful. And yet, why do I escape to this mind fantasy as much as a do? Is it because I am selfish? Is it because I keep thinking things are going to get better? Is it because I am focusing on what I don’t have rather than what I do have? Or is it because it’s fun? It’s almost like a drug, this mind escape of mine. A place where everything that I need is at my disposal and where nothing can go wrong unless I dictate it. Then maybe it’s actually a control issue. Am I a control freak? In such a way that when things do not go my way, I flee to the place where things always go my way? That is pretty messed up. It’s almost like a tantrum, and I hate tantrums. I understand why tantrums happen but there is something about seeing it occur from an outsider’s perspective that gets under my skin. It can be a child or an adult but it makes me cringe. Which is hypocritical of me I know because of course, in my life time I have had tantrums. But when why does it bother me so much to witness this behavior in others. It’s a lack of control I guess? It’s crazy almost how my mentality works like that. My selfishness. This part of me that I want to change so much.

But is has saved me on a few occasions. Just a few days ago, I was out at a bar when a young man approached me pretty brashly with the intention of making out and maybe dancing. I really had no desire to do this but I was relatively intoxicated at the moment. In a general, there would have been a chance that I would have ended up following through despite knowing in the back of my head that I shouldn’t. But because I was able to escape to my mind, and realized that this person was not as gentlemanly as the other character that I had made up in my head. I realized that I would rather not so I walked away. I had lost myself so much in my mind that I decided that I would rather just sit at the bar by myself and go there rather than interact with a real life person. This truth about that night is a bit of a double edged sword. One, thank goodness because my evaluation of that situation the next morning made it seem as like I would have made some bad decisions if I had decided to follow through. However, would I have had the same reaction if the person was different. If the person who approached with a nicer attitude? Or just treated me nicer? And I would have just turned them away to be alone with my own thoughts? Is this an actual problem? Now I know what it means when they say that a mind is a dangerous thing. Is this normal? Am I running solo on this? Do I have a problem?

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C