Food

I am in a very instable relationship right now. It has been going on for years, and it has become too big a part in my life to let go. I know that our relationship is bad. Terrible actually and getting a little worse every day. But I also know that it almost impossible to let go and change things. It is a relationship that has consumed my life in an almost indulgent way. It moved in my life a long time ago which incredible force and does not plan on leaving, even after I had said, out loud in fact, that things were going to change. It’s has truly taken over me in ways that affect my work, my friends, my family and myself. I have to end it. I know it too. My relationship with Food…is extremely unhealthy (pun intended. Wait is that a even a pun?). I have always known that my relationship with Food was no good and dare I say cruel? I have no intention on finishing that plate of fries that came with my order but it screams at me. “Bitch Please! Eat them all!” And I find myself obeying even thought I told myself that I was only going to have a few. I try to stop myself a few times but Food is not having anything and is even madder now, if at all possible. “What did I just tell you? I told you to eat all of them! IF you stop again, this is only going to get harder. It’s only going to get worse. Try it. I double dog dare you.” And then the plate is clean. I don’t even remember it happening. Had I blacked out? Food smirks at me because it knows that it won. Fries are usually the biggest problem. Breakfast foods are worse though because they gang up on me as a team and do it when I am weakest. The worst and most abusive of them all… is chocolate. I have tried to say no to chocolate my entire life but the sneaky little bastard will never go away. Even when it is not there, I think about it. I dream about it. I even fantasize about it. I know, it’s sick. Chocolate has taken control over most of my life and it knows it too. Chocolate knows that I will never say no to it and that is the problem and the source of most of my own issues. The problem is that I don’t hate it. I don’t had any of them. I love them and that is the problem. I love them too much to say good-bye. Also, they will always be there. I cannot get away as much as I would like to. There is an irresistible factor that comes with food that is the main driving point of this relationship. It’s beautiful, it smells intoxicating, you know you are going to feel good while you are with it. All I want is to be able to let go but I know deep in my heart, I am pretty much stuck in this relationship and it will always be a part of me for the rest of my life. They say that acceptance is the first step in admitting you have a problem. Well I accept that I have this problem, now please excuse me. I need to go get something warm, deep friends and covered in chocolate.

What? I’m told you that I was accepting this.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

Text Blasting

I am 100% guilty of what I have started to call text blasting and I am hoping that I am not the only one. I have never been one of those people with lots of friends, not that I am completely friendless but I am not one of those people that leave their phone at home accidently and come back an hour later to find 20 text messages. The thing about text messages, at least for me, is that they are little bits of instant gratification. Even if it’s just friend asking if I want to get coffee this weekend or furthermore just my mom asking if I got to work safely, I get this tiny little warm feeling in my heart, which sounds absolutely lame but whatever.

I don’t know for sure why this happens but it does. Now, something that I really like about myself is that I am not attached to my electronic devices. Sure I am obsessive about other things in my life like always having the materials to make cupcakes in my pantry or never putting a book down in the middle of a chapter but I am infamous for missing phone calls because I left my phone is a completely different room of the house I am hanging out it. A lot of the people I hang out with are like that actually. But most of these people, my brother included, will come back and see that they have several text messages while if I’m lucky, I might get a butt dial from my grandfather followed up with a 5 minute long voicemail from inside his pocket. Not I know I sound like a hypocrite, and that’s because I 100% am. I criticize those who are too attached to their phones and am jealous of them at the same time. So what do I do instead that is totally embarrassing and really sad. I text blast. I am actually cringing at myself as I write this.

What I do is, I will text as many people as I can about trivial things at the same time. Parents, friends, coworkers, no one is safe. Sometimes it’s reasonable like “Haven’t heard from you in a while, how are you?” or “Just wanted to say hi! How are classes going?” more often though it’s a white lie “Hey, I don’t remember, are we getting dinner Wed or Thurs?” even though the date is circled on my calendar. Mostly, it’s just a meme or picture of an animal wearing human clothes that I found on Instagram with basically no purpose at all. I will send these text messages all in a row and then turn my phone upside down and walk away for a little. When I come back there will be a list of text messages waiting for me and my heart swells with happiness. I know, this is absolutely convoluted and incredibly stupid and I don’t know why I do this. Also to clarify, this isn’t a daily or weekly thing! This is a once every 2 or 3 months sort of thing (not that it makes it any better but still). The feeling I get is like when I go on a diet. I will do really well for weeks, eating veggies and exercising more but then it will be that one Saturday where instead of going to the gym, I give in and eat an entire pizza by myself. I won’t text blast for almost a month and then I can’t help myself. In the moment, it feels so awesome but later on I will ask myself “was that really necessary”. I feel like I need to go to group therapy about this. Not that it’s a serious enough problem but I would like to know that I’m not the only one out there like this. Do other people do this? Is it just me? Should I just sit in the corner all by my weird and creepy self?

Yes? Okay

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

Things That Make Me Happy

When I am feeling sad, I will often pick up a pen and write down a list of things that make me happy. And then believe it or not, I feel a lot better after a while. This is my current list of happy, maybe they will make whoever is reading this happy too.

  • Chocolate Frosting And Sour Gummy Worms
  • Picture collages that take up entire walls
  • Books that can make you cry one moment and laugh out loud the next
  • Self-heating blankets
  • Those Goldfish with the huge Googly Eyes
  • When a baby falls asleep in your arms
  • Ukulele covers of pop songs
  • Adult underwear with cartoon characters on them
  • Getting a hug for no reason
  • Milkshakes with more than one flavor of ice cream
  • Videos of Puppies learning to walk down stairs

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

The Deconstructed Peanut Butter Cup

One of the greatest combinations in the history of candy is chocolate and peanut butter. In my experience most people will say that their favorite candy is Reese’s and there are even people who actually wait for specific holiday edition Reese’s to come every year. I know people who wait for the Easter Egg Reese’s to come around every year in a fashion that reminds you of a religious group waiting for their messiah, because they are THAT much better than the original. But here is the deal. I love peanut butter. I love chocolate. I would kill for snacks that have peanut butter and chocolate together. I do NOT like Reese’s.

Now before you get on my case, let me explain. To me, the cup is too disproportionate. The first bite is too much chocolate and then they second bite is too much peanut butter. Now I have tried to shove the entire thing in my mouth because A) it seems like that would solve my issue, and B) that is apparently the “correct” way of eating them. Have you ever tried to put an entire Reese’s cup in your mouth? It’s not the best feeling in the world.

So a few years ago, when I looked at my almost empty kitchen shelf for a snack, I did something that completely changed my life. I created what I like to call the “deconstructed peanut butter cup” and it revolutionized snacking for me. If you feel the same way about Reese’s Cups as I do but still long for a chocolate-peanut butter fix, stay tuned. For this snack all you need is a jar of peanut butter, a bag of mini chocolate chips (the mini ones work the best but regular ones will be sufficient) and a spoon. What you do is you take your spoon (or finger if you have no clean spoons/none of your roommates are home), and scoop out a generous portion of peanut butter. Then you get your bag and you dip the spoon sticky side down into the bag of chocolate chips. When you pull the spoon back out, the peanut butter should have a nice coat of chips covering the top layer and you can proportion this however you would like. And there you have it. Wonderful, sweet, perfection.

photo

And there are definitely some people out there who think this is gross and very unappetizing but everyone has heard the phrase “when life gives you lemons make lemonade”, right? Well, everyone likes their lemonade differently. Some like it sweeter, some like is more sour. Some prefer fresh squeeze and some prefer powder. Some like actual lemon slices floating in their drinks and others think the lemonade is disgusting and would rather have orange juice. So in conclusion: what I have learned from this whole experience is that when life gives you chocolate and peanut butter………………………………. you do whatever the hell you want with them and long as it make you happy.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C