Shit Happens, A Ramble:

Warning: I write the work Shit a lot in this post. A lot.


Here is the thing. Shit Happens. Forest Gump said it first but I’m here to say it second. Shit Happens. When life gives you lemons, it also finds a way to crap all over you in one way or another. Now, I don’t want to be a pessimist, because life is generally really nice. And good. And fun. But more often than you would like, life takes a turn for the worst. And sometimes really bad things happen to really good people for no reason. I would like to believe in karma, but it doesn’t always work out in my favor. So I have settled on a new theory. Shit Happens. One time, Shit Happened to me. Literally. Like, I sat in someone else’s shit while waiting at the airport. I typically try my hardest to never go to public restrooms (and for really good reason too), but when your bladder is about to explode and you are at that age where is it considered “socially unacceptable” to pee yourself in public, there are very little options. Another thing I try really hard not to do is fully sit down on the toilet seat in a public restroom. That is a no brainier. I’m not judgy if anyone else does it, I just prefer not to. So tell me, how in this combination of behaviors, I manage to sit in crap? Because apparently number 1, there are kids who lie to their parents about being potty trained or number 2, adults manage to still miss the toilet seat when going number 2 and refuse to clean up after themselves. Also recall that I do not fully sit down, so you can image just how high this particular pile was. And then the public restroom toilet seat was almost the exact same color of the shit. It was a perfect storm. You are probably asking yourself, how did this girl not see the shit? Well, when you try to hold in your pee as long as possible so you don’t have to go in a public restroom, you tend to not notice your surroundings when you are in a rush to relieve yourself. Also, in this situation how am I anything but the victim (how dare you?!).

So what do you do when you sit in someone else’s shit? Well, first you have a moment of confusion, then a moment of denial, a moment of panic, a moment of horror, a moment of disgust and then finally a moment where you realize the irony of literal shit happening to you. You run to the sink and scrub furious at the back of your leg with soap and water, ignoring the stares you get for other women who did not sit in shit and are silent judging you. You rub your skin until it is beyond red and raw. Then you run to the first gift store you see and buy an absurd amount of hand sanitizer and rub it all over your body. Not just your contaminated leg but your other leg and your arms too. You slather that stuff on like its lotion. Again, people who did not sit in someone else’s feces will stare at you. But it’s okay because you barely notice them. When you finally board the plane, the attendant who takes your ticket will causally sniff the air and give you a weird look that seems to say “Why do you smell like Ethanol?” And you smile back and board the plane while your die a little on the inside because you re-lived the experience. You tell yourself, one day you will laugh about this. One day, this will be one of those insane stories you will tell at parties. One day, this moment will just be a blip in your experiences in life. You will gradually find it comical, you will eventually go even hours without it bubbling back into your head and you might even tell a friend or two that it actually happened without terribly cringing. But here is the thing, you will never completely forget the experience, even months later. No matter how hard you try. Because the real hard cold truth is, that shit will stay with you forever.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,