Why V-day is my D-day

I promise, it’s not what you think. My parents have owned a Flower Shop for my entire life, so Valentine’s has always been seen as a sort of dark day in my history. It is the holiday that I have always worked because in our family, this day means all hands on deck because it’s about to be a battlefield and I wish I was exaggerating about this. Did you know that people go actually insane when it comes to flowers and February 14th? When I was younger, I would just watch from a distance and never really had to get involved but now that I am much older and have actually worked behind the register, I have seen the insanity up close and personal. Sometimes too personal.

I have learned that there are two types of flower buyers when it comes to Valentine’s Day. The people who go all out and the people who don’t know how much flower cost. The first are the people who buy 2 dozen red roses, boxes of chocolates, cards, balloons and bears and then need help from multiple people carrying it all out. The second are the people who ask for a dozen red roses, I tell them the price and then they ask for just one instead (but to wrap it up really nicely). I even remember telling one gentleman the cost of his order then him telling me that he wanted to look at our cards for a moment. I watched him glance at me over his shoulder a few times and when he thought I wasn’t looking, walk right out of the store and never come back.

I have also learned that there are two types of general human reactions when it comes to Valentine’s Day. The people who are okay when they don’t get there way and the people who completely loose there shit when things don’t go their way. The first are the people who come late on Valentine’s Day, see were are out of the significant other’s favorite flower, sighs, picked out an arrangement from what is left in our cooler and then grab a business card on their way out, promising to call ahead next time. The second are the people who run in 5 minutes before we close, see we don’t have what they want, make a nasty comment about how the situation is our fault, storm out only to return a minute later and demand one of the arrangements we have left.

This Valentine’s Day, I had a man who took home a vase filled with 40 red roses, one for each year he’s been married to his wife and then soon after I had a lady complain to my face that she didn’t want the bouquet I suggested to her because it was ugly. I had someone buy a huge arrangement for his spouse and then three individual roses for each of his daughters and then someone who argued with me because an arrangement she wanted was $30 and she only wanted to pay $15. I had someone who brought a half dozen vase arrangement to the counter and then right before I rang it up, ran and got the dozen instead saying “She deserves this one” and then someone who demanded to switch out red roses for white and then complained that it looked different (to which I wanted to scream “it’s because they ARE DIFFERENT!”).

It may seem that there are lot of terrible people out there but in the defense of the customers, the second person in each of the situations is actually the same person (yeah, she was a real peach). For the most part, people are horribly romantic and wonderful. It amazes me how far people will go to show someone just how much they love them. Not just in the material sense but symbolically as well. They say that love brings out the crazy in people. But what happens when people are already crazy?

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

Irrational fears

  1. Bugs falling from the sky.

I hate bugs of all kind. Even when I step small ones with the thickest soled shoes I own, I cringe. And because of this, I have this horrible fear that bugs are going to rain down on me at any point. Like in those old black and white horror movies when the ceiling falls in and hundreds of thousands of cockroaches just pour out. Or in any movies about the Plagues of Egypt where the locus swarm. I am constantly keeping one eye at the sky so that I can run at the first sign of anything with more than 5 legs falling down. When it rains I think the streets are going to flood with worms and when it’s clear and sunny, I’m pretty sure the bees and caterpillars are going to completely take over. Only when it snows do I dance around outside rejoicing till I think that all the bugs are taking shelter in the walls of my own house. Then I start constructing an igloo.

  1. Being Buried Alive

Literally more than anything else in the whole entire world, my “death” fear being knocked out (or even just falling asleep) and then waking up and being underground. I think I must have seen a horror movie at sometime where this happened and I fear this happening to me more than drowning, being set on fire and falling off the edge of the Grand Canyon all combined in one. Maybe it’s because I’m slightly claustrophobic that thought of being buried alive makes me shiver so much but the other thing is that if I am going to go in some horrible dramatic way, I want to be able to at least flail my arms and legs around as it happens.

  1. Monsters in the closet

As a grown up in her early, soon to be mid-twenties, I find it a bit pathetic that I still can’t go to sleep unless all of my closet doors are wide open. You see this is because as long as they are open, I know that nothing but my clothes are in them. As a kid I was never scared of a monster under my bed but I was always terrified of a monster in the closet. (Again, who knows why.) This fear greatly intensified when in college, a bunch of my roommates took to hiding in each other’s closets when the other person was in class. And then popping out at inopportune moments.

  1. Inanimate objection suddenly gaining the ability to move and speak

I thought Toy Story was a really cute and wonderful movie but if I walked into my room and saw a bunch of my toys walking around and having a great time with each other, I would flip out. Even if it was a bunch of Hello Kitty dolls going, “Hi there! How wonderful it is to see you again. Would you like a cup of tea?” I would probably run out of the room screaming, but not before I literally shit a brick. And believe it or not, this is about 10% due to the horror movie “Chucky” and about 90% due to the little kids movie “Small Soldiers”. Only 90’s kids will know what I’m talking about. This isn’t just limited to toys either. Furniture, utensils, and especially toilets. I feel like if those had a mind of their own, they could cause some serious damage.

  1. Escalators

This one is the most irrational of all, but I have this perpetual fear of riding escalators. Have you ever seen the movie Elf and there is that scene where Will Ferrel’s character is trying to ride an escalator for the first time? For those who haven’t seen it, this is what happens:

elf

This is kind of what happens to me, not to the extent that I’m doing the splits but I definitely have been known to stretch my legs between more than two steps. My fear is that I will trip and fall and because the escalator is constantly in motion I will either A) if it’s a down escalator I will tumble down at a much faster rate of B) if it’s an up escalator I will continue falling down while the steps push me up so I am basically tumbling in place. Also, getting off at the end is its own adventure. Afraid that I might get sucked under like in a Tom and Jerry cartoon, I tend to leap off the end. And remember than most likely my feet are on two different step so for half a second I resemble a gazelle in mid leap. I have been better over the years but like most of my quirks, I don’t expect this one will completely go away any point soon.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

Things That Make Me Happy

When I am feeling sad, I will often pick up a pen and write down a list of things that make me happy. And then believe it or not, I feel a lot better after a while. This is my current list of happy, maybe they will make whoever is reading this happy too.

  • Chocolate Frosting And Sour Gummy Worms
  • Picture collages that take up entire walls
  • Books that can make you cry one moment and laugh out loud the next
  • Self-heating blankets
  • Those Goldfish with the huge Googly Eyes
  • When a baby falls asleep in your arms
  • Ukulele covers of pop songs
  • Adult underwear with cartoon characters on them
  • Getting a hug for no reason
  • Milkshakes with more than one flavor of ice cream
  • Videos of Puppies learning to walk down stairs

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C