What’s wrong with me?

What’s wrong with me? A question I feel that I ask myself too often. It’s mainly due to my mouth. My stupid mouth that always starts speaking before I can fully form thoughts. The best way I can really describe is that, it’s not that I don’t have a filter when I talk, it’s more that I forget it’s there. Let me give you a recent example. Of course this begins with, I went to a party. It was at the apartment of my best friend and her boyfriend with just a smattering of people. Nothing too big. What I didn’t anticipate however was that my best friend’s boyfriend’s parents were going to be there. Not that this is an issue or anything, I had just never met them and I always try to leave good impressions on adults when I meet them for the first time. These two in particular were extremely nice, normal people. Poor things. They were in no way prepared for the confused weirdness that were about to meet.

Everything starts out normally. (That’s usually a bad sign) I am drinking a new beer I brought over, and am suddenly off put because it taste surprisingly gross. I grimace. “Not good?” my friend asks. “No, it’s really bad.” I take another test taste and shiver putting the beer down. “What does it taste like?”  someone asks. Now there are a million things I could have said to this. ‘I can’t explain it, I think it’s gone bad.’; ‘The after taste is too bitter.’; ‘It taste like that cheap stuff they have a frat parties.’; ‘I just don’t like it.’ All of those and a hundred other things about be socially acceptable. What did I say though? “It taste like holy water.”

It tastes like holy water.

Holy. Water.

Now I have never drank holy water, I promise. I haven’t been to church in years in fact, but I always remembered that, at least at the church I used to go to, holy water was an off brown shade, the same color of beer. (But now that I think about it, it may have been just the color of the basin it was in) Regardless when I was younger, I used to wonder what it tasted like. It probably just tasted like regular water but I used to think of all kinds of nasty, metallic, dirty tastes. So when I drink beverages that are light brown and have a bad taste, I think of holy water. It know. It’s weird. It’s just like how I think hospitals smell like spleens. Of course I have never actually smelled a spleen but when I think of hospital, I think of hospital dramas and specifically about episodes where the spleen is removed or compromised. I have no idea why, it’s just what always comes to my head. So as far as long as I could remember, the hospital smell has always been “spleen” to me. But I digress.

As you can imagine, everyone looks at me with a relatively understandable look of horror. I am even horrified at myself. “You….would drink the holy water…at church?????” I try to explain myself but of course this just make things worse. *insert actual face palm here* I should have just let it go or pretended I was joking instead of explaining why I’m so weird. Thank god my friend stopped me before I started explaining the spleen thing too. So back to the beginning of this post: What is wrong with me? I am starting to think being awkward is an actual diagnosable disorder. Normal people do not do this. So if any scientist out there want to do some research on this, this confused character and her blog would definitely be the perfect place start. Hopefully, if you have been feeling down about your awkward selves, I have made you feel at least a little better.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,



Don’t Give Up

So this post is going to be a little bit different then my normal stories, just a warning. But it does start off with a confused situation. Typical. Long story short, last week most of my writing energy went towards a brief essay for a grad school application. So I wrote all about why I am the person I am today because of my most recent experiences and failures and how I learned to never give up because of it. You probably know the drill. As I finished the last sentence, I discovered to my despair that I misread the prompt. So my essay actually contained nothing they had asked for. Whoops.

But before I got too grumpy, I read it over again and realized that this little tale might actually serve another purpose. So instead of wasting a perfectly good story, I decided to share it to my little confused world. This story won’t be that funny and it won’t have any crazy, weird anecdotes, but it will have a lesson I learned. And maybe if someone reading this is going through the same situation, it will help in some way. Or at least make them feel better to know they are not alone.

“I will always remember my college graduation because that was when I thought everything in my life was finally falling into place. (I will also remember it because I was seriously ill, suffering from a peritonsillar abscess but that’s a story for another time). I was congratulated by so many people and told by everyone that this would be start of the next chapter of my life. Little did I know that this “next chapter of my life” was me staying in pajamas all day, watching TV shows by the season and eating cereal straight from the box. But why? I was a science major and science majors were high in demand (according to a Buzzfeed article I read 2 years ago), so why wasn’t I getting job offers left and right. When I look back at it now, my theory does sound pretty stupid. Regardless, I spent most of that summer frustrated. Why did I waste all this time studying and pulling all nighters to end up with nothing? I was supposed to be adventuring but instead, I was avoiding social gatherings just so I wouldn’t have to answer that dreaded question “So what are you doing now?” I remember fake laughing when neighbors made unemployment jokes at my expense. I remember lying to a friend about taking a gap year to travel. I remember crying on my birthday after receiving what seemed like my hundredth job rejection from promising prospect. Then I finally snapped and just gave up. I started to look for non-scientific jobs with the description: “some high school education required”. Almost immediately, I was hired as a receptionist at a small business and I was finally happy. Or at least I thought I was. But after 2 months of repeating the same phrases over and over again for 8 hours a day, I started to get that sinking feeling again. I found myself thinking about college, and I missed science more than I thought I would. At that moment I knew I had made a mistake, and finally got the kick in the pants I desperately needed so long ago. I have a different job now at a biotechnical company and on my first day, it actually felt like I had come home after an extended trip abroad. I feel that sometimes, life gives you a challenge because it wants you to know the feeling of overcoming. That time in my life will stay with me forever. I experienced a lot over those 5 months and looking back I still wouldn’t change a thing. Those experiences have become a part of me and for the better. I know what it’s like to fall down and give up. And I also know what it’s like to pick myself back and start walking again. It took some time, and I got some scrapes and bruises along the way, but eventually what goes down will come back up again. Hey, I should know. I’m a scientist.”

Putting the Fuse in Confused,