Salty-Sweet Cycle

I have to start this post off with a disclaimer. I am sure that I am not the first person to discover this and thus am not coining this term. Actually… I’m positive that I didn’t discover this because someone else actually told me their personal take on this a few years ago. Well now that we are off to a good start, let’s get on to the point. It is not secret that I love to eat. I tell people that my spirit animal is a Hobbit. I typically eat 5 or 6 small meals throughout the day. This basically means I almost never stop eating. I like to blame this on what I call the “Salty-Sweet Cycle” which I am sure some of you have also suffered from. So I’ll explain.

Whenever I eat something flavorful, rich or salty, my sweet-tooth starts acting up. Then once I eat something sweet or sugary, guess what happens. I want something salty. It never ends. I’ll give you a small scale example. It’s mid afternoon, I just had a lovely second lunch of leftover chicken salad with a balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Then suddenly I need a cookie. I guess I should make this clear that I don’t “want” a cookie. I “need” a cookie. So I will have a chocolate chip cookie. Then I head back to the pantry and grab a handful of pretzels. I get half way through the handful before I get out the jar of Nutella to dip my pretzels in. Once the pretzels are gone, cashews and in my hand. By this point, it’s almost time for early dinner and who knows if I’ll be hungry for late supper. And it’s not ever a hunger issue with me. I can be very full and still crave either the salty or the sweet.

There have been situations in my life when it has affected my relationships. Roommates that are baffled “How is there room for more pizza after we just finished the chocolate cake?”, family members that are in acceptance “What? Only 6 servings? Are you not feeling well?” and then the friends who just think I’m weird. “No, I don’t think I want to go out for ice cream, I’m am so stuffed. Ummmm, sure. I guess you can still get ice cream during my birthday dinner.” So for anyone else out there suffering from the Salty-Sweet Cycle, I am here to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Unless, this doesn’t happen to anyone else ever. Then I guess I am alone… I’m going to grab some popcorn and gummy worms as I think about that.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

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Snow Days

Snow days are awesome. Normally. But when you can’t come in to your new job on your second day of work because of the an inch of snow, it’s not so fun. Apparently, when people hear the words “an inch of snow” they just laugh and brush it off. But they forget that when the snow arrives and people start driving in the roads, it makes everything freeze over. And then if the snow plows don’t come in at clear things out because it’s “just an inch of snow”, this turns our highways into a ice rink. When my brother and I saw the black ice covering the road on the highway and the four different accidents on our way there, we made the unanimous decision to turn around and go home. It takes about 3- 5 minutes to get from our house to the highway. This morning, it took us two and half to get back. In those two and a half hours I tried to think of what I was going to tell my boss. You see, at the moment I live pretty far away from my work place, about an hour and half drive away. So the conditions close to me weren’t necessarily the same conditions near my work. So when I go into tomorrow should I mention the icy roads? The accidents? The traffic? Nothing seemed drastic enough.

Around the second hour, I started to get cabin fever and my couldn’t think anymore. But how was I going to explain how extreme our situation was? Then all of the sudden the guy in front of us jumps out of his car. Was he trying to take a picture of all the traffic to put on Instagram? The man started to walk around the traffic. Was he abandoning his car and walking home? He starts running now. Did his legs cramp up maybe? He changes direction and starts running into the woods. I literally don’t know what was going through his head, until I see him stop and quickly pulls his pants down. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, he was peeing. I immediately avert my eyes but it was already burned into my brain. Every time I tried to think of something else, it all just kept coming back to the fact that the stranger in front of me was in traffic so long, he actually left his vehicle in the middle of traffic to go relieve himself outside in the freezing cold snow. Oh wait. I finally figured out what I could tell my boss.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

The Drug Test

Very recently, I got a new job. I am very excited for many reasons but there are a few things that I forgot happens when you get a new job that made me slightly less excited. One of them is taking a drug test. I mean I’m not upset or anything, it’s perfectly reasonable for my future employers to request this. My thing is that, no matter how much you think about it, it doesn’t make it any less awkward. For those of you who have never had to do a drug test, let me explain what happens. Basically you have to pee into a little cup. Then you get to watch the clinic assistants distribute your pee into other tubes. Then you sign about 500 documents saying that you physically watched them, for all intensive purposes, play with your urine. Now normally, I’m the kind of person who thinks things through but this time around I apparently saved all of my panicking for the 10 minute drive over to the clinic. Thought after awful though raced through my head, the big ones being: “What if I can’t pee enough?” “What if I can’t pee at all?” “What if this causes me to lose the job offer?” So naturally, I grabbed my water bottle and started chugging, almost finished the entire thing. However, there were a few factors that I wasn’t anticipating that made this a huge mistake.

Firstly, I wasn’t the only person trying to get a drug test done at 8AM. Secondly, the elderly gentleman at the front of the line wouldn’t bring his reading glasses and so couldn’t see the line where he should sign in and just stand there staring at if for a good 5 minutes. By the time I got to the front of the line and put down my name next to the little number four, I really had to pee. I mean, it wasn’t quite an emergency yet but it was definitely on the verge of being one. I sat down uncomfortably trying to think of anything else but that’s hard in a building that is basically made up of bathrooms. The time passed in what felt like slow motion. They finally called number two when I felt my hands start to go numbs from clenching them so tightly and then called number three when I thought my bladder was going to burst. I was physically shaking by this point. Oh, this would be the time to mention that there was also a third thing I wasn’t anticipating. Not everyone who was there with me that morning to get a drug test…was necessarily there because they got a new job.

Now I’m not one to judge, but some of these people were making me more nervous that I should have felt which only added fuel to the fire. A lot of them looked sleep derived, and most of them clutching a hearty load of paperwork for god knows what. So there they were, with their piercings, tattoos, scars and shifty eyes while I was there in a cardigan, shift back and forth in my seat trying not to wet my pants. Needless to say, I attracted attention. No one said anything, of course but there was definite staring and the guy across from me laughed and shook his head as if to say ‘Rookie’. Then relief happened when they finally called my name. The assistant in a monotone voice told me “Here’s the cup. You have to fill it up the line. Don’t flush the toilet. Don’t wash your hands. You have four minutes.” I’m pretty sure she kept talking after that but I was already in the bathroom relieving myself in the little plastic cup they gave me and was out of there in less than 15 seconds. When I walked out, the assistant looked genuinely shocked. “Are you done? Did you filled it to the line?” Did I fill it to the line? Ha! I almost filled the cup. After the distributing and signing I was out of there feeling more relieved than I had in my entire life and continued on my jolly way but with the nagging little voice in the back of my head making fun of me.

So here’s the moral of the story kids: it’s always good to know what you’re getting into, but make sure you don’t get carried away. I’m pretty sure getting a job offer retracted because I couldn’t pee enough in four minutes would be a much better story than getting a job offer retracted because I peed all over the waiting room floor and it was too contaminated by the carpet to be sent off to the lab for evaluation.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

“The End”

With the new year upon us, it got me thinking about the end of things. Like end of 2014 and thus the beginning of 2015. But from there, I started to think about “The End”. Like the end of the world kind of end. Not that I think the world is going to end any time soon but there are definitely points in my life when I thought that MY world was coming to an end. This feeling normally comes up when something has happened that is so awful that it gives you that horrible stomach ache and makes you break out in sweats. In your own little world, you think the world is going to end. So in honor of the end of the year, I started to think about all of the times when I thought my life was coming to an end.

When I was 5, my brother gave me his helium balloon to hold for him. I accidently let go and it floated up into the sky. He was so angry at me, I thought I would never make it past that day. But the day did pass and he forgot about it by dinner time. When I was 7, we were at lunch and my friend asked if she could have one of my Cheese Puffs. I said yes and promised her that I would give her one. She went to the bathroom, I stopped paying attention and accidently ate all of them without realizing it. I started sweating so much my T-Shirt changed color. My friend came back and I started apologizing profusely. She shrugged it off, since she had forgot that she asked for a Cheese Puff. When I was 10, my dog ate almost all of my Halloween candy and then threw it all up. I actually thought my world was crumbling around me as I started at the chewed up candy wrappers and colorful vomit. When I was 12, I asked a boy to a dance and he said yes. He then spent the entire time with his friends because he forgot I asked him in the first place. I swore off men that day and told people I was going to be the cat lady that live on the corner of the street and would be so single and crazy that you would tell your kids to run past my house if you saw me coming to the window. (I give my younger self 10 points for creativity at least.) When I was 14, I walked into a really big locker and a kid next to me shut the door closed behind me and trapped me inside as she laughed and refused to let me out. I remember embracing death that day. When I was 15, one of my best friends moved away. I cried for days. Funny thing is she actually didn’t like me at all and was only pretending to be my friend. Yeah, I got over that once a lot faster than some of the others. When I was 17, I was driving my dad’s car and it brushed up against a pole taking a chunk of the bumper with it. I hadn’t been to church in years but man did I started praying hard that day. This way when my dad killed me, I wanted to at least have a shot at getting into heaven. And you’ll bet your bottom I prayed even harder when I popped one of the car’s tires 4 months later. When I was 18 and in my first year of college, I failed my first exam. I went that afternoon to the convenience store and ate almost an entire box of Chips Ahoy in my dorm room as I cried into my pillow. When I was 19, I almost failed my Organic Chemistry class. I actually went on Craigslist look up houses in Mexico to live in when I started my new life as a college dropout. You know, after I changed my name and burned off my fingerprints. And finally when I turned 21….. the world did almost end that day because at one point in the night, I actually did think I was going to die.

But the thing is, I survived all of those things and kept on going. So there’s a little message for all of you. When you think the world is ending and that nothing in your life is going to be good again, just remember that hangovers and helium balloons typically only last for a day anyway.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C