When I Grow Up, I Want to be an Adult

I keep making references to “being grown up” and “finally embracing being old” because now I have graduated from college and have started working. I officially consider myself an “adult”. I went to a party this weekend that had not only an engaged and a married couple, but also a pregnant couple. I just gain twenty points in the grown up score broad. But here is the thing. I still have some younger friends who keep asking me what the “real world” is like and if I like being “grown up and mature”. I honestly am never quite sure how to answer that. Because on the one hand, yes, I get up every morning, go to my 9-to-5 job and then come home and sleep. So that part is not necessarily fun … But on the other hand let me give you a list of things that have done very recently in my life:

I saw a commercial for Dumbo and actually cried. (From just the commercial)

I went to a friends house for a slumber party. Both of us got really excited when we stayed up past midnight and then fell asleep at 12:05.

I colored in a zoo animal coloring book more than one time this summer. (The kind where the recommended age was 2-4 and the crayons were about an inch thick)

I went to Harry Potter World with my family and me and my 25 year old brother were probably the most excited kids there. There were many 13 and 14 year old teens judging us from behind IPhones and emo bangs.

I watch my favorite Disney movie three times within 3 days and then was banned from watching it a 4th time. (This happened once before when I was about 3 so they knew to shut that down quickly).

At a neighborhood gathering when all of the adults were drinking their fancy cocktails and beers, even though I am over the legal drinking age, I ended up just drinking most of the lemonade at the kids table.

At once point this summer, I ran out of bread to make a sandwich so instead of going to the store, I just ate half a pint of ice cream for lunch instead.

There was one point last month where instead of doing Laundry, I just bought more underwear.

And on that note, if I wanted to wear something that isn’t clean, I just spray it with Fabreeze and wear it anyways.

On Halloween I wore a Pikachu Onesie and rode on the Merry-Go-Round with a bunch of other 20-somethings dressed as various animals. (At once point I saw a giraffe riding a giraffe in this intense Giraffception).
I tried to tie my shoes before going out once and had to try multiple times because I kept forgetting how it went midway through.
I almost bought light up shoes because I saw a little kid wearing them and remembered how cool they were. I didn’t buy any though because I came to my senses about how impractical and ridiculous they would be on me. (They also didn’t have any in my size)
So as you see, I am still not quite at that point in my life when I am completely a grown up. Even though I am an “adult”, I still don’t necessarily know what I want to do with my life, I don’t have all the answers to all the questions and I definitely still have those immature moments. But that’s okay because frankly, there are times in my life when I hope I never become an actual grown up. Even when I’m 99 years old watching my great-grandchildren playing on the play ground, I hope I’m right there next to them going down the slide yelling “WOOOOOO!” and the top of my lungs and double-dog daring them to jump off the swings with their eyes close. There are many parts of adult life that I absolutely love, like being able to drink wine, going to any R rated movie I want, having actual serious conversations about the world and being able to drink wine. But there are some things that I did as a kid that I am sure I will never give up. Like I will never stop putting extra, extra sprinkles on my ice cream and I will probably eat peanut butter directly from the jar at least 1000 more times before I die. I don’t think can ever stop watching re-runs of ABC’s old “One Saturday Morning” cartoons and I know for a fact that I will never be able to sleep without the closet doors wide open at night. So in short, yes I am an adult but no, I won’t be growing up any time soon.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

Things I Don’t Understand: Part 1

I am going to call this Part 1 because as you can probably guess, there is a lot in the world that confuses me and thus so many things that I do not understand. Today though, I am going to focus on the concept of being awkward because I believe it’s not as simple as feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. I truly believe being awkward is based on perspective. As defined by society, I am a very awkward human being. Its something that I accept and actually like about myself. But then I got to thinking, if everyone was as awkward as me, would i still be awkward? For example, I have a small bladder and I basically have to pee round the clock. Where I drink water or not, I always have to go. It’s the worst for long car trips, sitting in meetings and especially at the movie theater. I always have to excuse myself to go to the restroom and normally I announce it. You may find that unnecessary but hear me out first. Whenever I just get up to leave or even when I say “Excuse me for one moment.” I get a chorus of “Where ya going?” and “You okay?” So I just skip the middle man and just say “Hey! I’m going to the restroom.” People find that awkward too but that’s a different issue.

Back to perspective, imagine if everyone had to pee as often as I do, like it was the norm. I remember once I went to a Peter Jackson movie which you all know was approximately 3 hours long. I know myself, so I didn’t get anything to drink or even eat just in case. An hour and a half in, I had to pee. How??? I don’t know but I do know that the guy next to me was drinking a gallon sized cup of coca-cola or some other diuretic beverage the entire time and barely moved throughout the whole move. The one time he did move was to get up to let me through when I had go. That was awkward. You could tell by the way everyone looked at me. However, if everyone had a bladder like mine, it would be normal to still do intermissions during movies and everyone would get up. Except for that one guy drinking his soda, continuing to sit there. Then we would all point to him on our way to the restroom and go “That’s awkward.”

See, it’s all about perspective. If that’s not enough, I’ll give you another example. I like to sing out loud whenever I do anything. No, I’m not an aspiring singer and no, I’m not even a good singer but do I sing songs from Les Mis when I wash the dishes and hum “Single Ladies” when I vacuum and I have also been known to sing the “Good Morning” song from Singing in the Rain when I get ready in the mornings. I think the only person who thinks this is even a little cute is my Mom. Everyone else thinks its awkward. But think about musicals. Everyone is singing and dancing the entire time. If you were watching a show and there is that one guy who is just standing there and not harmonizing with the melody while waving his hands back and forth with the rest of his peers you would think “Wow. That’s really awkward.”

So there you go. Everything is perspective. And I know that by my definition makes everything a paradox but hey, that’s why I’m so confused and awkward for that manner. What if it was normal to wear your socks on your hands every time you got on your computer? You’d look pretty awkward right now, wouldn’t you?

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C

Blessings in Disguise

Blessings don’t happen very often but when they do, I find that they are typically wearing a costume. For example, this confused little character was once taking a train to visit her old university during homecoming weekend. As one would expect, this particular train was basically full. Right to the brim. I would say the 90% of the train was getting off my university’s stop and out of that 90%, 80% were from my school and 20% were from the opposing school we were playing in football that weekend. So let me paint you a picture. I get on the train, there are basically no seats left at all. Wait, there was one. I approached it and it smelled like beer and frat boys. Except I didn’t see a bunch 18-20 year old boys. I was a group of 35-40 year old men. As I frantically looked for another seat, I hear in a slurred voice “You can sit riiiiight here, sweetie!” I reluctantly sat down and was forced to engage in conversation. I discovered three things: 1) These boys were all alumni of the opposing school 2) They wanted to take pictures of me 3) one of them had a daughter looking at colleges and he wanted my opinion about my university.

Needless to say, I put my headphones in and all I wanted to do was zone out for the next 2 and a half hours. While I had my headphones in, I could see them texting about me. Then I saw them stalking other women on Facebook and LinkedIn and showing profile picture to each other and proceeding to high five. I will use this opportunity to give some serious advice. If something like this ever happens to you (male or female), you DO NOT have to put up with it. I was about to asked someone to switch with me when a miracle happened. Something that saved my train ride. The lady behind me threw up.

Projectile vomiting all over the walkway in between the seats. Yes it was gross. Yes there was screaming. And Yes, a little bit did get on my jacket. But guess what, those guys ran for it in the form of a mass migration to at least two cars forward. I move a few seats up, the vomit came right off my jacket, the conductor cleaned up the mess within minutes and spread coffee grounds everywhere so everything was fine. I had a peaceful rest of my journey with a smile on my face and the stain from someone else insides on my jacket sleeve. I honestly could not have been happier.

So yes, if I were having a quiet isolated pleasant train ride, I am sure that a women getting super sick behind me would have completely destroyed my ride and I would be writing a very different blog post right now about how people are disgusting and to never get on public transportation. But that’s not what happened. What happened was the this woman saved me from having to embarrassingly ask to switch seats and regardless of me stand up for myself, I was bound to have to had to deal with cat calls and complaints the rest of the way up. So thank you lady who is very prone to motion sickness. I tip my hat to you and if I ever see you again on the train and you are being harassed by unwanted company, I will gladly vomit for you.

Putting the Fuse in Confused,

C